Slide
by musiksnob
Summary: Clare makes a decision on what to do about her pregnancy. The hardest part is telling Eli and Drew. A prediction of what could happen next season. Threeshot. Eclare. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. If I did, this fic would not even be necessary because none of this shit would have happened.**

**This is a threeshot of what I think might happen next season with Clare's pregnancy storyline (except you know, way more in depth because the show can't devote even two minutes to two people actually talking to work out their problems). I'm rating it M for content reasons, but there's no sex in this, so if that annoys you, I'm telling you up front.**

**Also, while I am an Eclare fan (some of you are laughing that I actually need to state that 50 fanfiction stories later) and I am NOT a Drew fan, I don't intend to throw Drew under the bus here. However, if you are a Drew fan, you might get the impression I am being unfair to him. I'd just like to ask you to reserve your judgment on that until you've read all three chapters.**

**Thanks a million to my dear AlbatrossTam14 for helping me with this!**

**Thanks and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

_Clare_

I sat on the examining table at the local health clinic, wringing my hands with nerves. I already knew how the test on the cup of urine I had just provided was going to turn out, but I couldn't help but think there was a chance that the busy New York City hospital had mislabeled my blood and that it would turn out that I wasn't pregnant.

As soon as I had gotten the call, I had made an excuse to Alli that I had to go and called the clinic for an appointment. They couldn't get me in until Monday and I had spent the weekend holed up in my room, pretending that the nausea I was feeling was psychosomatic and not symptomatic. I knew that if I had told Alli the truth she would have come with me in support, just as I had done with her last year. But the more people who knew meant this was more real so I had kept the secret until now.

I heard the doctor remove my chart from the holder on the door and held my breath as she entered. "Clare Edwards?" she asked, and I nodded. "I'm Dr. Martinez. I have the results of your test and I can confirm that you're pregnant."

I winced and she patted my knee in sympathy. "I know at your age this is usually unexpected and we'll go over your options in a few minutes. First I just need to get some information on your medical history."

She walked over to her desk and flipped through my chart. "You were last here in February of last year, correct? And you were put on birth control pills?"

"Yes, but…" I looked down. "I had to stop taking them a few months later."

She nodded. "Are there any other changes in your medical history?"

I sighed. "I had cancer. Rhabdomyosarcoma. I was treated this summer and was lucky to go into remission after two months of chemo."

Dr. Martinez looked astonished. "That is quite lucky. And your scans have all been negative since then?"

I nodded. "I had blood work done last week for an unrelated issue and the only thing that came up was the pregnancy."

She rolled her chair a little closer to me. "You know, Clare, we usually recommend that people wait at least a year post-chemo before getting pregnant, if not longer. Your body has been through a lot this year and pregnancy can stress the healing process. It's possible you might give birth to a perfectly healthy baby but there are risks. If your cancer were to recur, it wouldn't be possible to give you the best treatment unless you terminated the fetus."

"That's what I'm going to do," I said softly. "I just found out I'm almost definitely getting into Columbia and I'm not ready to be a parent and I just…I don't think I can do this."

"Alright," she said gently. "I just need a little more information and then we can talk about this in more detail."

I let out a sigh of relief. I had always been an over-explainer, needing to justify all of my actions, but I felt like I could go on for hours about why this was the best choice – the _only_ choice for me. I knew my ultra-religious mother would never believe that I could make that choice and I bet that fourteen year old Clare wouldn't have either. But I knew more now about life and I knew that I had to choose my health and my future over a baby that wasn't currently viable.

"Are you having any symptoms?"

I shrugged. "I'm tired all the time and a little nauseous. I just thought it was because of school though. Things have been more stressful ever since the cancer." Between my student council duties, my heavy courseload and the last few weeks of coping with the fallout of my relationship with Eli and what had happed with Drew, I'd just accepted the awful feeling of exhaustion without question.

"Do you know the date of your last menstrual period?"

I bit my lip thinking back. My periods hadn't gone back to normal after chemotherapy – hence why I hadn't noticed I'd missed one – but I distinctly remembered having it when Alli and I were working on the polymer lab for AP Chemistry. "I don't know the exact date but it was around two months ago."

"Okay," she said. "Then you're probably around eight weeks pregnant. We start calculating from the date of your last period, though conception usually happens around two weeks later."

"Oh!" I couldn't help but cry. I had been so worried about it being Drew's baby that I hadn't even considered it could be Eli's. But when he had surprised me by coming home late for bungee jumping, we'd had sex twice that weekend. We'd used a condom both times but they weren't 100% effective and obviously something must have gone wrong. Being pregnant with Eli's baby wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination but it was easier to admit that I'd accidentally gotten pregnant while sleeping with someone I'd loved, no matter how complicated our relationship had become afterward.

Dr. Martinez thankfully ignored my outburst and pulled out a small circular chart that I couldn't read from where I was sitting. "And you have a 28 day cycle?"

I cringed. "Not exactly. Since the chemo I'm not really getting regular periods. That was only the second one I've had in over six months."

Dr. Martinez set the chart down and took off her glasses. "In that case, it's possible that you are less than eight weeks pregnant. If your cycles are that unpredictable, you could have ovulated at any time."

I felt my heart quicken. I couldn't believe that not only was I pregnant, but I was in a position where I didn't know who the father was. Having it be Eli's was bad enough; he and I had already been through hell and back together and what was yet another challenge for us to overcome. I didn't even want to tell Drew I was pregnant, let alone tell him he might be the father. We spent one night together – one foolish night – and now it was possible that night – and the stupid condom Drew had been carrying around in his wallet for God knew who long -might ruin everything.

"Is there any way to tell?" I asked. I didn't want to admit that there was more than one potential father, though I was sure Dr. Martinez had heard a lot worse.

"We could do a dating ultrasound," she said. "And usually we would. But given your health issues, the fact that you might already be eight weeks along, and the fact that you're pretty resolved in your decision, I'm not sure I'd recommend it."

I didn't respond. I knew I didn't want to go through an ultrasound, to see the fetus on a screen. I couldn't think of it like a real thing or I wouldn't be able to go through with this and I had to.

"Let's talk about the procedure and your other options," Dr. Martinez said. "And if you decide to have the abortion we can schedule it right away. We don't perform the procedure at this clinic, but we can set it up with the hospital."

I nodded gloomily. This was the easy part. Telling Eli and Drew…that would be impossible.

* * *

"I think I'm gonna head out," Drew said, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder. "I've got a math test tomorrow and if I get less than a C+ I'm going to end up on academic probation again."

"Wait!" I said sharply. I had managed to get him to hang around the student council office with me all afternoon, but I hadn't worked up the nerve to tell him about the pregnancy. Eli was supposed to arrive over an hour ago and I kept going back and forth over whether it would be easier or worse to tell them both at the same time. "I can help you study," I offered, knowing that any knowledge I imparted would probably be lost the second I told him the truth.

"Would you?" he asked in surprise. I had been keeping him at such a distance since everything had gone so wrong between us that this was the first time we'd actually been in the same room for more than an hour. "I don't understand matrixes at all. It's like, Neo wouldn't even understand this shit."

"Matrices," I corrected. "And sure, I don't have anything better to do."

He pulled out his notebook and textbook and took a seat next to me. It was the closest we'd been since we'd melted down at Wild West Night and I took a deep breath. It wasn't that I still had feelings for Drew – spending time with Eli and seeing Drew kissing Becky had clarified that for me right away. Though my crush had been genuine, it had more to do with the fact that Drew had been here, close to me, and that despite his many foibles, deep down inside he was a good guy. But he wasn't the guy for me, and even besides the predicament it might have put us in, the night we slept together had proven that. It was awkward and strange and though I was sure things might have improved over time if we had actually dated, the only reason I had wanted that to happen was so that I could believe sleeping with him hadn't been such a huge mistake. I wasn't a one night stand kind of girl and if it turned into a relationship, then it wouldn't have been so bad.

But instead it might have turned into a pregnancy.

We had only made it through one problem twenty minutes later; Drew was right – he really didn't understand matrices. In fairness, I had struggled through them myself during Algebra II and had gone to Mr. Armstrong for extra tutoring before they finally clicked.

"I'm never going to get this," Drew said, banging his head against the table. "Fucking Wilfrid Laurier and their four years of math requirement."

I raised an eyebrow. For all the time I'd spent with Drew this year, he'd never mentioned that his aspirations for university involved the school that Bianca had gone to. He'd barely mentioned Bianca at all. "You can get this," I said, patting his back reassuringly. "Armstrong's not going to let you fail. If you go in for tutoring and do extra credit, he'll let you make stuff up. I even retook the text on matrices last year."

"You did?" Drew grinned. "That makes me feel a lot better."

"What's _he_ doing here?"

I practically jumped out of my seat as Eli appeared in the door.

"I'm the student council president," Drew said, clearly annoyed. "You're the one who's not supposed to be here. Why aren't you in New York, hooking up with hot film students?"

"I invited him," I clarified. I realized that Drew hadn't exactly gotten the memo that Eli and I were on amicable terms. "I need to talk to both of you."

"Both of us?" Eli asked, sounding hurt. "That's not exactly what I was expecting."

I hadn't known exactly what to say to Eli to get him to come here but I knew this wasn't a conversation I could have over the phone or Skype, especially considering how awful I still felt about the voicemail breakup. So to convince him to make a ten hour bus ride on a school day – a last minute flight was not even close to his price range – I had kind of alluded to the fact that I wanted to talk about us getting back together. I hadn't lied – my wording was "our future together" which obviously my pregnancy did involve. But I knew Eli had shown up expecting a happy reunion and I was about to give him the worst news of my life.

"Could you just sit?" I asked him, gesturing to a chair across the table from Drew as I shot to my feet, pacing the room in front of them.

"Can you tell me what the hell is going on?" Drew asked nervously, glancing back and forth between me and Eli.

I took a deep breath and stood in front of them, looking down at my hands. "I'm pregnant."

Both boys sat in stunned silence for a moment. "You're pregnant?" Eli repeated finally, his hands tightening in front of him.

"I'm going to be a dad," Drew said, a few moments later. He seemed totally dumbfounded.

Eli's head turned toward Drew. "_You're_ going to be a dad? Clare, you had sex with him?!"

I closed my eyes, unable to face the look of loathing Eli was giving me. "It was one time," I said feebly.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Eli said, so angrily. "You told me you weren't with him."

"I told you I wasn't dating him…and I wasn't," I clarified. "You made the assumption it was just a kiss."

Eli looked horrified. "In the fucking props closet? I practically walked in on it." The look of disgust on his face brought tears to my eyes, "Who even are you?"

"I was upset," I said. "And I thought he and I had something. And I know it was a stupid mistake but it happened and I can't take it back."

I started wailing for real now, hurling myself into the seat at the head of the table where Drew usually led the student council meetings. It took a few seconds but I heard one of the chairs scraping against the floor and to my surprise, it was Eli who put his arms around me.

"I'm sorry I made you cry," he said, clearly holding back tears of his own. "You don't deserve that, especially right now."

"You can't be mad at me about this," I said, my voice cracking with tears. "We were broken up. I didn't cheat on you."

"We can talk about this later," Eli said, letting me go and taking a step back. "For now, I need to know – is it really Drew's baby?"

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"You don't know?" Drew asked. "How is that even possible? Isn't there some sort of paternity test we can take?"

I hadn't wanted to ask the doctor about it but I had done some research after the appointment with Dr. Martinez. "The only way I could find out is to have a dating ultrasound because there was enough time between you that we should be able to tell. They have paternity tests but it requires amniocentesis or this other invasive test and they can't be done until much later in the pregnancy."

"Alright, so let's do this ultrasound," Drew said, sounding more like a sports coach than a teenager who just found out he might be a father.

"I'm not going to have the ultrasound because I've decided I'm not going to have the baby. I thought you both had a right to know, but I'm not going to tell anyone else. Not Jake, not my parents, and I need you both to promise you'll do the same."

I couldn't read the expression on Eli's face; he seemed pretty neutral, if surprised.

But Drew, on the other hand, was livid.

"You can't do this," he said angrily. "You can't just tell me that I might the father of your baby but that you're just going to get rid of it. I deserve a say in what happens. You need to find out if it's mine, Clare."

Eli looked like he was about to interrupt, but Drew grabbed his head and continued yelling, "Goddammit, Clare, how can you wear that necklace every single day and even consider this?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," I whispered, but Drew didn't even stop to listen.

"You can't do this," he said, banging a fist into the table. "You're not going to kill my baby. I won't let you."

He pointed at me, and then pointed at Eli and then walked out of the room in an angry rage, leaving all of his homework behind.

"I should go talk to him," I said to Eli. "I need to explain…"

He was staring after Drew who was slamming into every locker he walked past. "Let me calm him down first. You don't need to see this."

I grabbed Eli's arm before he walked through the door. "Don't fight him," I warned. "He's got forty pounds of muscle on you and he used to do mixed martial arts."

Eli laughed. "Don't worry. With Drew, I know where my strengths lie." He put his other hand on top of mine and turned serious for a moment. "Clare, it's going to be okay. We'll get through this."

"Thank you," I said tearfully and he kissed the top of my head before following Drew down the hall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. If I did, Clare and Eli would have actual conversations about their problems. And lots of sex.**

**Thanks for the positive response to this story so far! I enjoy how the prevailing sentiment is that it's bullshit that this even needs to be written, but you thought it was well-done. This chapter nearly killed me; however, with the help of Degrassi friends, Chelsea, Sara and Chrissy, I think it ended up being really good. I originally had hoped to write this from Drew's POV, but I just can't get into his head. Again, please wait until the fic is finished before hating me for his portrayal.**

* * *

_Eli_

Drew was moving faster that I'd expected and even though I hoped I would catch up to him outside the school building where there were way too many places people could overhear a conversation, especially one had at screaming level, I didn't realize we'd be halfway to the Dot before I grabbed his arm and got him to stop.

"What the fuck, man? How can you just walk out on Clare like that?" I asked, angrily.

"You've got to be kidding me," Drew said, his tone mirroring mine. "_Clare_ is the one who got knocked up, refuses to find out who the father is, and just told us she's just going to get rid of what could be my baby like it's no big deal, and I'm the one who's wrong? It's a messed up situation and I can't be a part of it."

"You really think this is no big deal for Clare? Clare, who has spent the last 18 years of her life in church every Sunday? She's making the best of a bad situation but that doesn't mean it isn't a big deal for her," I said. I couldn't even imagine how difficult it must have been for her to make that decision, and she hadn't even gone through with it yet.

But I knew this wasn't an out of nowhere decision that she would regret making either. I could distinctly remember the hushed conversation we'd had in the media centre last year, how she was missing out on lunch because she was accompanying Alli to the clinic, how she was terrified her best friend was pregnant and how she could miss out on MIT and her whole future if she didn't make the right decision.

"She doesn't even care what we think. She has her mind made up." Drew turned to walk away again, and I grabbed him once more to keep him in place.

"What do you think is going to happen? Clare's going to keep the baby and the two of you are going to get married and live happily ever after? How'd that work out for you last time?"

"Fuck you, Eli," he said, wresting his arm away. "You don't know anything."

"I know that you and Clare aren't even dating. I know that Clare's going to Columbia next year. And I know that no matter what you're planning to do next year, having a kid is going to derail that completely."

Drew sighed. "Are you nineteen?"

"Yeah," I said, not knowing where he was going with that.

"If we're going to do this, I need a drink." He pointed to the local dive bar across the street. I had never been in there before; I had turned 19 in NYC and I hadn't wanted to risk using my fake ID at a place so close to school, figuring Simpson or some of the other teachers probably went there when they had a rough day. I thought about Clare, sitting alone in the student council room, and it pained me to leave her there, but I knew if I showed up without Drew on our side, she'd be even more devastated. Plus it probably wasn't the best idea to have this conversation in public; if someone overheard it would be pretty clear who we were talking about.

We sat on bar stools next to each other. The bar was fairly empty and fortunately there weren't any former Degrassi students or current teachers lurking nearby. Drew ordered a beer and I ordered a Jack and Coke. Within two sips I found myself relieved that he'd made the suggestion. Even though I was freaking out less than Drew was this whole situation had left me reeling. I just kept thinking, "Clare is pregnant. Clare slept with Drew," over and over, and my stomach was churning.

"Have you ever had a year where every single thing you did was wrong?" Drew said finally, breaking the ice.

I smirked. "I think I'm working on year five of that to be honest." I thought back to Grade 9, to Julia, to all the times I'd hurt Clare, to kissing Lenore. It had been a long time since I'd been proud of myself for something other than an academic or artistic achievement.

"The thing is, even with screwing up everything…the worst things that happened were completely out of my control."

Drew didn't elaborate but it wasn't hard to know what he was talking about. Adam dying…Bianca breaking up with him…Clare getting pregnant.

"If you think you can make up for all the things that happened to you by forcing Clare to have a baby, you're wrong."

Drew looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm not going to force her. But she didn't even consider it."

"Just because she didn't explain her entire thought process in the five minute conversation before you walked out on her doesn't mean she didn't consider it. She just realizes that she doesn't want to be a mother right now. Period. End of story."

"How do you know? I saw your face when she told us; you didn't have a clue she was pregnant. You don't know what she's thinking."

"I know Clare," I insisted.

Drew shook his head in annoyance. "You don't know Clare anymore. You don't know what she went through this year. You don't know how devastated she was and how it was all your fault. Or how I had to pick up the pieces every time you disappointed her."

I had to look away and took a large gulp of my drink. "Yes, I heard all about how you chased a rat for her. That's definitely up there with helping her through her parents' divorce and sitting by her side every single day of her cancer treatment. But clearly I should have hopped on a plane from another fucking country to chase this life altering rat. And you're right. Clearly your rat chasing abilities predict your success as a teen parent. I wish you and Clare the best of luck."

"You're such an asshole," Drew said. "I don't know what she ever saw in you."

"Likewise."

I didn't even know what to else to say to him. This was the longest conversation I'd ever had with the guy. I mostly thought of him as Adam's dumbass brother, and though I'd occasionally been stuck playing video games with Drew in the Torres family basement, Adam carried on all the communication while Drew and I occasionally grunted in agreement with him.

"I just want to know if it's mine," Drew said, after a long period of silence.

"And what happens if it is?"

Drew shrugged. "I don't know why you think it's so impossible that I could be a good father. I ran a camp this summer. I'm great with kids."

Even with what little I knew about Drew Torres, it was impossible not to notice his incredibly low self-esteem. He presented as a cocky asshole, but I knew that he always worried he wasn't good enough and especially that other people thought he wasn't. He'd sat with Bianca behind me in history class last year before he'd dropped out, and though he wasn't obvious about it, he constantly needed reassurance from her that she thought he was great. I wasn't the kind of guy who stroked people's egos, especially someone like Drew, but I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with him if I kept tearing him down over my anger and jealousy.

"I'm sure you'll be a great father someday," I said, doing my best to not sound patronizing. "But you're 19, you still haven't graduated high school, you haven't gone to university, you don't have a job, and Clare hasn't done any of those things either."

"Neither have any other teen parents, but that doesn't mean they're all bad parents," Drew insisted. He gestured for the bartender to bring him another beer, but I waved him off when he wanted to refill my Jack and Coke. It was bad enough this was taking forever; I wasn't going back to Clare drunk. "Dallas has a kid, you know. He's awesome with Rock."

"He named his kid Rock," I stated, as if it were obvious that alone meant he wasn't fit to be a parent. "And he sees his kid every other weekend. I'm sure if you ask his ex if being a teen parent is a good idea, she might have a different story to tell you."

When Drew didn't respond, I pressed him. "Is that what you think you're going to do? Force Clare to carry and raise a baby so you can play with it every other weekend? Is that what being a parent is to you? Because you're not going to be winning any Father of the Year awards for just showing up."

"No, that's not what being a parent is to me," Drew said, as if I were a moron. "For fuck's sake, I have Audra and Omar Torres as role models, and they're pretty much the best parents to ever exist. And then there's my bio mom, and Adam's bio dad, and they taught me exactly how NOT to be a parent. So pretty much you don't know shit about me and my ability to be a good father."

Drew chugged down half of the new beer as I stared at him in surprise. In the years, Adam and I had been best friends he had never once brought up his biological father. After a while, I had pretty much forgotten that he and Drew were stepbrothers; despite their very different looks, they seemed like they'd always had each other.

But no matter how devoted Drew was to his current family, there was no way he was going to be able to hold up his end of the bargain with Clare, and the thought of Drew and Clare being "family" made me want to puke. "What do you think is going to happen?" I asked him, unable to keep the challenging tone out of my voice. "Do you really think Clare's going marry you? Have a boy and name it Adam? Be one big happy family?"

"Don't talk about my brother," Drew said sharply.

"He was my best friend!" I said, my voice cracking with emotion. "You don't get to corner the market on grief here. He was Clare's best friend too, you know."

"He would have killed me if he knew," Drew said, more to himself than me. "I keep thinking if he were still around, this never would have happened. Do you have any idea how many stupid things he talked me out of doing?"

"Probably about twice as many as he did for me, and that's really saying something."

Drew smiled bitterly. "You didn't seem that upset at Adam's funeral. I was surprised. Usually you have no problem losing your shit in public."

I looked down at my hands. "After Clare got diagnosed, I went to my psychiatrist and they tweaked the dose on my mood stabilizers. I haven't really been myself since."

"Is that why you're not freaking out right now?"

I sighed. "I am doing everything in my power to keep from punching you, if that's what you're asking."

Drew nodded absently. He was still clutching the bottle and looked at a loss for words. "Becky is going to kill me."

"What does Becky have to do with this?"

"She and I…we're…" He coughed. "Dating."

Becky Baker, queen of Jesus and sunshine, was dating Drew Torres? The only girl that Adam had ever really loved? I was not a superstitious man, but I was pretty sure this was a sign that the world was coming to an end.

"You shouldn't tell her. Clare wants to keep this a secret. She's not even going to tell her parents."

"That's a pretty big secret to keep from a girlfriend," Drew said.

I grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at me. "If you tell Becky, she's going to organize a protest against Clare in front of the whole school. You're not only going to lose a girlfriend; you're going to humiliate Clare for the rest of the year. Is that what you want?"

He shrugged out of my grasp. "I don't know what I want." He paused, then looked at me. "If you knew for sure this was your kid, what would you do?"

"Whatever Clare wanted," I said confidently. "If she wanted to keep it, I'd drop out of NYU, transfer to U of T and try to find a job. But she doesn't, so I'm going to be there for her no matter what."

But the truth of the matter was that I was fucking relieved that it was Clare who wanted to have the abortion – because even though I'd been hoping my future included her, I mostly pictured us watching Netflix in bed in a studio apartment in Brooklyn after our classes were over for the day – not giving up on my dreams, dropping out of university, getting a crappy teaching job, and raising a child before my 21st birthday. It wasn't like I hadn't considered getting married to her or having a baby together, but that was always in the very remote future, not something I wanted in the next year of my life. And that was if we could even get our shit together and fix the things that had gone wrong with our relationship. A week ago, when Clare was in New York, that felt like an imminent possibility.

Now, I wasn't so sure.

"You're so fucking whipped, man," Drew said. "You don't even have an opinion on what she should do."

I resisted the urge to point out that he used to follow Bianca around like a puppy dog and if there was anyone in charge in that relationship, it sure as hell wasn't Drew. "It's not about me," _you fucking asshole_, I added internally. "And it's not about you either. It's about_ Clare_," I emphasized. "And if treating my girlfriend like an autonomous being who deserves to make her own choices, especially when they are about something like this, means I'm fucking whipped, then I'm fucking whipped and I don't give a shit."

I could feel the anger creeping up on me, so I paused and counted to twenty slowly, retreating into an old therapy technique. I wasn't feeling super calm, but it was enough for my fists to unfurl. Sitting next to Drew, the guy who'd fucked the girl I loved the day after she broke up with me over voicemail and may have impregnated her was the most screwed up situation I had ever been in.

After another few minutes, I was getting tired of sitting there in silence so I asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Probably still in university," he admitted. "I'm shit at math, and it's required for business majors. But hopefully close to graduation."

"Girlfriend?" I asked.

He sighed. "I hope so." I thought about asking, "Bianca?" but I didn't think it needed to be stated to drive the point home.

"Kids?"

He didn't answer at first. "Not intentionally," he admitted, "but that would probably depend on the girlfriend situation anyway." He sighed, and I had a sneaking suspicion that if Bianca was the one he was with, they'd have a kid nine months after she got her bachelor's degree if that's what she wanted.

"Five years from now, I'm going to be stalking every film shoot in either Toronto or NYC to get my foot in the door. And Clare's going have to a degree from Columbia and she'll be writing for some prestigious online magazine, even if she only gets to write puff pieces."

"She could do that and have a kid," Drew insisted. "Maybe Columbia's out, but there are universities around here."

I shook my head. I realized that Drew didn't have a ton of ambition for himself – or if he did, his fear of his inability to achieve his aspirations kept him from vocalizing them – but it was insane that he couldn't see that Clare was different, that she was brilliant, that she had a whole amazing life ahead of her.

"If Clare got the ultrasound and it turned out it was my baby…would you still think she should keep it?"

Drew shrugged again. "It wouldn't be my problem then."

"Can't you just pretend it is mine, then? You slept with Clare one time. She and I have been dating for over two years."

"Yeah if you don't count all the times you broke up."

"What is your problem?" I finally exploded. "Do you really think that what you had with Clare compares with what she and I have? That it's worth throwing her life away for?"

"No, obviously Eli, I don't think that what she and I had compares to what you had." Drew slammed his fist onto the bar. "But just because you think I'm some idiot jock that Clare only hooked up with because she was so upset at you, doesn't mean it was nothing. I really fucking liked her, and I thought she liked me, and maybe I shouldn't have slept with her before I knew something was going to come out of this, but that doesn't mean it was nothing."

I looked at him in surprise. "I don't think that," I said sadly.

Drew looked like he didn't believe me. "Well, it doesn't really matter, because she does."

I shook my head. "No she doesn't."

Drew rolled his eyes, and gestured for the bartender to bring the check. "She said it was a stupid mistake."

I threw a twenty on top of the bill, glad I still kept some Canadian money on me even though I spent most of my time in the States, and stood up. "As much as it literally makes me nauseous to think about, I can promise you that Clare actually had feelings for you." He looked at me curiously. "She never would have slept with you if she didn't. That kind of thing…it means something to Clare. She wouldn't go around doing that with just anyone. It was a mistake because of the circumstances but not because it was you."

Drew looked like he was considering what I had said, but he didn't respond.

I sighed, and laid my final argument out for him. "Having a baby isn't going to replace Adam…and it's not going to bring Bianca back. It's not the way to make amends for your mistakes. It's just going to ruin your life, not to mention Clare's." I paused for emphasis and then asked, "Will you come back with me and talk to her?"

He shook his head and I realized I had pushed him a little too far. "I can't deal with this right now."

He threw a few bills on top of the tab and walked out, shaking his head.

I hurried back to Clare, feeling awful that I'd probably done more harm than good in leaving her for this long. Luckily the front door to the school was still open and I ran down the hallway to the Student Council office at top speed. She must have heard me because she looked up from her seat at the table, her eyes reddened and cheeks damp.

"I'm sorry," I said and she flinched. I sat down next to her, wanting to put my arm around her but not knowing if that was appropriate. "I think he's going to need more time before he comes around."

Clare's lip quivered. "My appointment's tomorrow morning. There isn't any time."

"Well, I'll be there with you. No matter what," I promised. "My parents aren't going to be around tomorrow anyway, so you can come back to my place after. I'll take care of you."

She nodded and seemed pleased by the plan but her face crumbled. "I hate this," she said, launching into tears again.

"I know," I said. "I know."

I took a chance and reached for her and she fell into my arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. If I did, there would be no need for this fanfiction because this absurd plotline never would have happened.**

**Hi everyone! Sorry for the long wait. I've been suffering from exhaustion for the better part of three months but unlike last year's bout of insomnia, it's for a good reason: I'm pregnant again! I keep hoping that my energy will pick up in the second trimester but so far it hasn't much. Plus writing this particular story is so damn depressing that it doesn't help much. I'm hoping I'm over the worst of it because I really want to get back to those last three chapters of Stay and to make a final decision over whether I have enough stamina to write the endgame fic I have outlined.**

**Special thanks go to AlbatrossTam14 for helping me rewrite the Drew part and to LiteraryLolita for letting me steal a plot point she came up with.**

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Chapter 3

_Eli_

When we pulled up in front of my house, I paid the cab driver and helped Clare out of the car. She didn't expressly need help – she kept reiterating that she was fine – but it was hard to believe her when she looked so fragile in a way she hadn't since last summer, during the worst of her chemotherapy treatments. She might not have been as physically weak, but emotionally it seemed like she was barely holding it together.

She let me lead her up the stairs but shrugged away as we entered my room and she curled up on the bed. Ordinarily I would have joined her but I felt this unspoken distance between us and sat in my desk chair instead. I was glad my room wasn't as much of a disaster as it usually was. I'd cleaned a bunch before leaving for NYU and I'd spent so little time here the last few months that it had remained largely as I'd left it.

I tried to remember the last time that Clare had been here and realized with some sadness that it was after we'd gone bungee jumping together. We'd returned home, energized with adrenaline and lust and we'd had sex for the second time that weekend. The first time at her house the night before had been passionate but tentative, as if we were getting comfortable with each other again, but the second was fast and hot and sexy; we'd barely closed the door before we were tearing each other's clothes off. I grimaced when I realized that act had about a 33% chance of being the reason we were here right now, and hoped Clare wasn't having the same memory.

She was silent but her eyes were open and I wasn't sure if she was trying to fall asleep or lost in thought. "When are you going back to school?" she asked softly, after a long period of quiet.

"The crack of dawn tomorrow," I said, frowning. I wanted to apologize for not being able to stay any longer, but I couldn't miss my Thursday night class. It was bad enough I'd missed two others, though fortunately my professors were understanding when I'd emailed them to let them know that my girlfriend who'd gone through chemotherapy over the summer had a medical issue that needed to be addressed right away. Aside from our relationship status, it was all technically the truth and I was lucky that they accepted my emailed assignments and suggested I get the notes I'd missed from another student. Lenore was in one of the classes, and though things had been awkward between us since Clare had interrupted our near-kiss, we'd agreed that we'd stay friends.

"How long's the bus ride?" she asked.

"Almost twelve hours," I said with a grimace, remembering the awful ride here.

"Glad I flew last time," she said.

I shrugged. I didn't even want to think about how long it would take me to pay off my credit card bill after the last time I flew to Toronto on about eight hours' notice. "Cece said she'd drive me back this time. It's only about nine hours driving."

"That's nice of her," Clare said.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, she said we haven't had enough mother-son bonding time lately."

Clare's eyes widened and I realized too late how insensitive my words were. "Clare," I began softly, but her face crumbled, her breath hitched and I realized she was crying.

"I really want to be a mother someday, you know," she sobbed softly.

"Clare," I said again, even more gently. I stood up from the desk chair and perched myself on the edge of the bed, still not touching her, but close enough that she could reach for me if she wanted to. "Of course you do…this doesn't mean you can't."

She turned away from me and didn't respond, though I could see the tears were still streaking down her cheek. "I mean, if there's only one good thing to come out of this, it's that you know you can get pregnant," I explained. Her head snapped back toward me and I hurried to explain. "I mean, that wasn't exactly guaranteed…after the chemo and all."

She winced, though this time she held my gaze. "It means I can conceive," she said wryly. "There's still no guarantee I can carry a child to term."

"Yeah, but that's the hardest part sometimes, right?"

Clare shrugged.

I looked down at my hands. I could still remember how Cece had met me at the front door after I'd flown home from New York to see Clare in the hospital; I'd come home for only a few minutes to drop off my luggage but Cece had stopped me before I could leave. She'd started ranting about Gray's Anatomy and Clare's eggs and how if she wanted me to fertilize them I had to do it and I'd just stared at her in shock until she'd explained that sometimes women would freeze eggs before undergoing chemotherapy and that they sometimes had better outcomes when they were fertilized before being frozen. I'd told her that if Clare asked me to, I would in a heartbeat, though I hadn't really considered what that would mean at the time. But Clare had never asked, and she'd started her treatments that very same day.

"I was surprised we never talked about that…back when you were in treatment," I said, realizing Clare didn't need to hear the whole story. "Possibly infertility or freezing eggs or whatever."

Clare bit her bottom lip. "My doctors mentioned it but they didn't really encourage me to take that option," she explained. "I think it was because they were treating Paula at the time and her cancer was so aggressive. They didn't want to wait weeks before starting chemo, and I figured I'd rather be alive than worry about procreating years before I was ready." She laughed darkly. "Look how well that worked out."

"I wasn't too worried," I said, though I was a bit distracted by a picture of Clare, Adam and I that Cece must have framed and put on my bookshelf while I was in New York. "I figured if I couldn't get you pregnant the old-fashioned way, we'd just adopt. It wouldn't really make a difference to me."

It wasn't until Clare let out another loud sob that I turned back to her. "What's wrong?" I asked, completely dumbfounded.

"I'm so stupid," she sobbed.

"You're not…" I began, reaching for her shoulder, but she brushed my hand away.

"I am," she insisted. "I spent this whole year thinking that you weren't there for me and that Drew was, and you're here telling me you were thinking about adopting children with me someday, and he's not even here right now. He abandoned me when I needed him most, and you're here…you've always been here for me."

As much as I was glad that Clare seemed to be thinking of me in a positive light once again, I knew she wasn't entirely right. "I'm always going to be there for you when it really matters, Clare," I said, pleased that when I reached for her hand, she allowed me to take it. "But the truth is, this year, I wasn't always there. I got wrapped up in NYU and New York City and film projects and I didn't even keep up with your phone calls and texts." And on one stupid occasion, Lenore, but I wasn't going to bring that up unless she did.

"You cancelled Skype chats, too," she said, her face full of pain at the memories.

I looked down at our linked hands. "Do you know why I wasn't answering your calls by the end?" She furrowed her eyebrows but waited for me to continue. "I felt like every time we talked, all I did was disappoint you. Telling you I couldn't come home or that I had to cut things short because we had a film shoot scheduled and we needed to get it in before the light shifted. In September, all of our phone calls were happy, and by March, all of them were sad."

"The only thing that disappointed me was you avoiding me," she claimed, but I knew it wasn't the entire truth. There were too many phone conversations that ended near tears or with a soft, forced, "It's okay, Eli. We can talk tomorrow."

"You know that's not true," I said, and she didn't disagree.

"Every time you blew me off, I just kept picturing what you were doing." Another tear streamed down her cheek. "And it _always_ involved Lenore."

_At least I didn't fuck Lenore, unlike you and Drew_, I thought, but managed to keep from saying out loud. "I've told you a million times that she and I are just friends. Nothing happened since that one time. I never wanted her. It's always been you."

Clare shrugged dismissively, and I bit back a scowl. It wasn't like I was the only person who had screwed up our relationship. "Do you know where I was when you called me and asked if you could spend the night? I was working on my short film with Lenore, and it was a complete disaster. And she told me I was never going to be able to write the film the way it needed to be until I gave up on you." I winced at the memory. "She told me she was in love with me," I said, and Clare's expression mirrored my own.

"You told me you weren't with her," she accused, her lip quivering.

"I'm not," I said. "Because the phone rang, and the girl _I'm_ in love with was at the other end."

Clare sighed. "I wish you hadn't told me this."

"Why not?"

"Because you're going back to NYU tomorrow, and all I'm going to do is worry that you're spending all your time with a girl who's in love with you. A beautiful girl who you have everything in common with, who you've already hooked up with."

I shook my head. "But don't you get it, Clare? I chose you. I could have had a girlfriend who lives down the hall from me, who shares my interests, who I could have a physical relationship with. Being with Lenore….it would be easy." Another sob escaped her lips and she covered her face with her hands. I leaned forward and gently pulled them away, holding her hands in mine, forcing her to meet my gaze. "But I would rather have had even the slightest bit of hope that you and I could be together than be in a relationship with someone who just isn't you."

The tiniest hint of a smile crossed her face before turning into a pout. "Long distance sucks," she said, and I couldn't help but laugh at her uncharacteristic word choice.

"I agree," I said. "I don't think either of us had any idea what we were in for."

She fell silent and something that had been bothering me for the vast majority of our long-distance relationship popped into my head. I didn't want to risk upsetting her further, but I knew I couldn't pretend that the entire dissolution of our relationship had been my fault.

"In some ways I think I had it easier," I began, trying to keep my tone neutral. "Being away was hard but there were so many new things to do, and boatloads of reading and films to watch and things. It wasn't that hard to adjust to our relationship being different because I had to. I had no choice."

"What do you mean?" she asked, her tone more confused than upset.

"I just think that because life for you in Toronto wasn't that much different than it had been, you thought things between us would stay exactly the same."

"That's an exaggeration," she scoffed.

"Okay, not exactly the same," I conceded. "But you may have had some unrealistic expectations of how the long-distance thing could work."

"I'm not sure I follow," she said dryly. I noticed she shifted away from me an inch or two on the bed, under the guise of getting more comfortable, and I hated the idea that I was pushing her away but at this point, there was no turning back.

"Every time you were free for ten minutes, you called me. And every time there was some sort of special event at school, you expected that I'd be there, even though I was in another country."

"I hoped you'd be there. I didn't expect…"

"Clare, you did…whenever I told you I had things going on I couldn't get out of, you were upset."

"I was only upset when you cancelled plans we'd already made," she insisted.

"You broke up with me because I couldn't get home on two days' notice for an event that wasn't even a dance. You didn't exactly have to bring a date to go," I reminder her.

"It wasn't just because of that," she said angrily.

"I know it wasn't," I said gently. "But you called me four times in two hours and left me angry voicemails, and I was in class at the time. My professor has a cell phone policy that if you even pull it out to check the time you fail for the semester. I couldn't have called you back even if I wanted to."

"Well, I'm sorry that my short term memory is still kind of shot and I don't have your class schedule memorized," she said sharply. "But it was more than your lack of phone punctuality that made me break up with you and you know it."

"I know," I said, a little more angrily than I had intended, so I repeated myself more gently. "I know." I sighed. "I'm just suggesting that there are things both of us will have to work on if we get back together."

Clare's eyes widened and she brought herself to a sitting position. "If?"

I shrugged and she gasped. "But I thought…after what you said in New York…and just now…I mean, you're _here_," she emphasized. "I thought you wanted to get back together."

"I did," I said. "But I'm not completely sure now."

"What changed?" she demanded. All traces of the frail Clare I had half-carried up to my room had disappeared. She looked like she was ready for a fight. "Is it because of this? Because you know this was the best thing for all of us."

"No, of course not." I looked away from her. "It's because you had sex with Drew."

"Are you kidding me?" Clare shrieked. "I told you it happened after we had broken up. You're the only one of us who actually cheated."

"After we had broken up?" I stood up and took a few steps back from the bed, feeling the anger I had tried to contain for the last day coursing through my body. "It was less than 24 hours after you dumped me over voicemail. We hadn't even talked about it yet."

"Well if you had answered your damn phone, maybe we would have."

I took a deep breath and forced myself to sit back down in my desk chair, facing Clare directly. "Look…if you were any other girl in the world, it wouldn't matter to me. I mean, I wouldn't be okay with it, but I could accept that it happened and move on from it."

"That's not fair," she said.

"Hell, if all you and Drew did was hook up, even if it was more than kissing, I could chalk it up to one stupid mistake because you were pissed at me and he was there….but that wasn't all it was. You had sex with him."

Clare grimaced. "But if I were any other girl, you'd be fine with it? You're holding me to an unfair standard."

"You're right, I am," I said sadly. "Because I know you. And I know just how meaningful sex is to you. And I know that's not something you ever would have done with a guy you didn't have feelings for." Her face fell, and I could see her eyes welling up once more. "And there's nothing you can say that will make me believe those feelings appeared in the 24 hours after you dumped me by phone."

"It was just a stupid crush," she admitted. "He was nice to me and he was there and you weren't. If things were working between you and me, I never would have fallen for him, and even if I did, I wouldn't have acted on it." She sighed. "I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret it…how much I regret everything."

"Were you in love with him?" I asked, my voice cracking. I wiped away a tear of my own.

She shook her head. "No…not even close," she said. "But I wanted it to be more than it was. I felt so rejected by you and it seemed like Drew wanted to be with me, and I'll admit it…I liked that Drew made me feel wanted. But it had nearly nothing to do with him and everything that happened as a result was a complete mistake."

I didn't know what to say. The idea of her liking Drew was nearly as painful as the thought of her sleeping with him. How many months did she spent flirting with him in the student council office? Maybe she waited until we were broken up to do something about it, but how much time did she spent thinking about kissing him even though we were still together?

Clare sounded desperate. "Look, I wish I could take this all back. But I can't. And I forgave you for hooking up with Lenore while we were still together, so I think you should be able to forgive me for what happened with Drew."

"It's not the same, Clare," I said, tears streaming down my face. "What happened with Lenore meant _nothing_ to me. It was wrong and a betrayal and I never should have done it but I didn't _want_ to be with her. I was lonely and she was there and I screwed up, but I didn't like Lenore as anything more than a friend. It would have been exactly the same for me if I had hooked up with J.J. instead," I said, trying and failing to lighten the mood. "You had serious feelings for Drew, while we were together." I sighed. "I know what I did was worse, but I feel just as betrayed as you did when I cheated."

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Clare gently said, "Eli," and I met her gaze. "I know there's nothing I can say that will make you forgive me. But I need you to know that what happened with Drew and me…that's the _only_ reason that I can forgive you for what happened with Lenore. I know I said in October that I could get past it, but I couldn't. And I spent months being _so _sad, feeling rejected and worthless and like if you really loved me you never would have cheated." She let out another sob, "But the fact of that matter is that I was so in love with you and I still developed feelings for Drew. And I tried to push them out of my mind and it didn't work. And that's the only reason I can understand how you could be that in love with me and feel lonely enough to hook up with someone else."

She seemed to be waiting for a response but I didn't have one. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about how much we'd screwed up a relationship that had been so beautiful and supportive. We'd already been through so much already – so many mistakes, mostly mine – and gotten through them. The idea of letting go of Clare forever killed me, but I had no idea how we could move on from this. The problems in our relationship weren't going to disappear in the next few months and even once we were both in New York, two separate university schedules weren't going to leave us with unlimited time together. I knew that apartment in Brooklyn was out because there was no way we'd be ready to move in together by August no matter what repairs we'd come up with in the interim, and though 100 blocks was a hell of a lot closer than two different countries, we'd still have a lot to figure out.

Clare's shoulders sagged at my lack of response and she lay herself back down on the bed, pulling herself into fetal position, facing away from me. "Why don't I let you get some sleep?" I said gently, relieved to have an excuse to leave the room. "I'll be downstairs. You can text me when you wake up if you want some company or if you need a drink or something to eat."

"Okay," she said softly.

I had reached the door before I heard her call my name, so softly I nearly missed it. "Eli," she whispered. "I know who the father was."

I felt a pounding in my chest as I turned back to look at her. She was still facing away from me. "They had to do an ultrasound," she explained. "To see how far along I was. Because if I was under seven weeks, they could do it medicinally but if it was longer, it had to be surgical. I didn't look at the screen during the ultrasound, but I know how they performed the procedure."

The fact that she'd waited until I was about to leave the room before bringing this up and the fact that she couldn't look me in the eyes made me certain she was about to tell me that Drew was the father. And though I'd always known that was a possibility, I knew I couldn't hear her say those words. And I couldn't exactly ask her to only tell me if I was the father, because if she didn't, her silence would equal a confirmation.

Then again, I didn't know much about abortions but she did seem a bit loopy as if she had been under some type of anesthesia and I was pretty sure the medicinal abortion only involved taking a pill. So it was still possible that it was mine.

But the chance that it wasn't was too much for me to deal with.

"Don't tell me," I said. "Or Drew. It doesn't matter who the father was. We don't need to know."

"Are you sure?" she asked, looking over her shoulder to glance at me.

"I'm sure."

"Okay," she said softly. When she didn't say anything else, I turned off the light to help her sleep and pulled the door shut gently behind me.

I had some reading to do for school but there was no way I was going to be able to concentrate so I randomly flipped through the channels on the living room TV. I eventually settled on a Friends rerun even though I hated the show, because I didn't even have the energy to find something better.

Maybe an hour later my doorbell rang, and I jumped at the sound. My parents were both working late and no one should have really known I was back in Toronto – not like people other than Clare or Adam had ever showed up on my doorstep unannounced.

The last person I would have expected to see was Drew Torres.

He was dressed in a suit for some ridiculous reason – though I supposed Clare often overdressed for school by my standards so maybe that was some weird student council thing – and carrying a bouquet of white roses. "For me? You shouldn't have," I said before I could contain myself. It just showed how little he knew Clare anyway. She thought roses were boring – particularly white ones since they quickly started yellowing and rotting. I didn't buy her flowers very often – books were my gift of choice to give and hers to receive – but when I did, they were always bright and colourful.

Drew frowned. "I'm here to see Clare." I toyed with telling him she wasn't here and he must have sensed that because he immediately added. "She texted me last night. Told me she'd be here."

"You're too late," I said. "We went to the hospital this morning. You can't talk her out of it. It's over."

He shook his head in exasperation. "I know. That's not why I'm here. I just want to apologize to her. I was an asshole yesterday and I should have been here this morning and I'm sorry."

His apology seemed genuine but I still wanted to punch him. And I definitely didn't want him to talk to Clare because the idiot seemed to have some sort of charm that made everyone forgive him when he did something stupid, and I didn't want Clare falling for him again after how much he'd hurt her.

"She's asleep," I said brusquely. "She had a rough day. I'm not going to wake her up for you."

Drew nodded though he looked disappointed. "Can you give her these?" He handed me the flowers and pulled an envelope out from his suit pocket. "I wasn't sure if she'd want to see me so I wrote her a letter just in case."

I took it begrudgingly. I expected him to walk away but he stopped and looked straight at me. "How is she?"

"She's okay," I confirmed. "The doctor said there weren't any complications. She's a little tired and a little emotional, but she'll be fine."

"Thanks for being there with her," he said gruffly.

To my surprise, he held out his hand, and I shifted the flowers in my arms to shake his. He nodded and turned to leave. "Hey Drew," I said. "If she wants to talk to you when she wakes up, I'll have her text you."

He nodded in appreciation and headed back to the van. I went inside, closing the door behind me quietly so I wouldn't wake up Clare. I double checked my phone but she hadn't texted yet, so I took my spot on the couch, leaving the flowers and card on the cocktail table in front of me. I kept glancing at them, wondering what Drew's letter said.

"Fuck it."

I ripped open the envelope to read it.

_Dear Clare,_

_I'm sorry. I feel like I've done nothing else this year but apologize to people since everything I do goes wrong. But I never meant it as much as I do now. Please believe me, I'm so sorry for everything._

_I'm sorry I slept with you so fast and for how I acted when I saw you were still in love with Eli. _

_And I'm really sorry I was such an asshole to you yesterday and for not being there today. You needed someone to be there for you, and I let you down. I do that all the time. I don't think I've been with someone I haven't failed and disappointed and hurt. And now I have to add you to the list when you were the only person who stuck by me all year._

_I get that you weren't ready to have a kid. I'm not either. I know that. And even if we were older, I'm not the guy you want to start a family with. I totally get that._

_I know you are going to have a great future. Columbia, a great reporter job, and a family when your ready for it. Maybe it'll work out for you and Eli will be part of that. I just want you to be happy._

_I hope your okay now. I hope you forgive me._

_Drew_

I felt like even more of an asshole for reading the note after that. I knew even if the entire letter had been Drew professing his love for Clare, I wouldn't have hidden it from her, but I should have realized that wasn't what he wanted. He was just a screwed up guy who got dragged into a messed up situation, just like me. And he wanted Clare to have the same happy future I'd always wanted for her.

No matter how many doubts were in my head about Clare and whether we could ever manage to make our relationship work for more than a few months at a time, the truth was that when I pictured my future, it always involved her. I wanted to be the guy she came home to after her classes were done for the day, who cooked her spaghetti and rubbed her shoulders when she was stressed over a major deadline. I wanted to show her all the movies I needed to watch for class and have her be the first reader for every script I wrote. I wanted to wish her good luck when she left in the morning for her first newspaper job and kiss her hello every night when she came home.

And yes, someday I wanted to bring her to the hospital and a few days later, bring home Clare and a beautiful, healthy child.

I went to the kitchen and found a vase under the sink for the flowers. I brought the bouquet and Drew's letter – sans envelope – upstairs and placed them on my desk. Then I lay down next to Clare and put my arm around her, pleased that she'd left me enough room to spoon up behind her. She stirred and moved closer to me, letting me hold her.

"I love you, Clare," I whispered faintly into her curls. "We'll find a way to make this work. I promise."


End file.
